Toddler tantrums are a natural part of child development – and they can be stressful for everyone involved.
Learning how to help your child to deal with their tantrums is a really useful step for both you and your toddler to take.
Understanding toddler tantrums
Tantrums are your child’s way of showing that they are upset or frustrated. Both boys and girls have tantrums and they tend to happen most commonly between the ages of 1 and 3 years old.
Tantrums vary hugely in how they manifest in toddlers and young children. The signs of a tantrum can include:
- Whining
- Crying
- Screaming
- Kicking
- Hitting
- Breath holding
Why do tantrums happen?
There is a key reason why tantrums generally happen in the second year of a child’s life. This is when language skills are beginning to develop but your child is still not able to accurately express what it is that they want or how they feel. This frustration is what generally leads to a tantrum.
During this period of their life, toddlers are also seeking control of the environment around them and trying to exert their independence. The power struggles that often follow when a child discovers that they can’t take control or do something themselves can result in a tantrum or tantrum-like symptoms.
Generally, as children develop their language skills and learn to deal with their frustrations, tantrums will decrease and become much less common.
How to avoid tantrums
Unfortunately it’s not possible to avoid tantrums altogether. In fact, tantrums are important to your child’s development.
There are a few things you may be able to do to help to prevent tantrums developing in the first place.
- It’s useful to remember that tantrums are more likely to happen when a child is tired, hungry, or uncomfortable. You can sometimes help to minimise the scale of tantrums by ensuring that your child eats and sleeps as well and as much as possible.
- Try to offer as much positive attention as you can. It’s easy to find yourself giving attention to your child when you’re asking them not to do something or telling them off. Instead, try to switch this around and catch them when they display good behaviour. Praise and attention are extremely important to toddlers.
- Give your child small choices. It could be simple options such as “Would you like an orange or an apple for your snack?” or bigger decisions such as “Would you like to go to the playground or the beach this afternoon?”
- Regardless of the scale of the choice, your toddler will appreciate the chance to have control over something. Try to give your toddler the chance to make their own choices (however small) throughout your day.
- Distract your child. Your toddler has a short attention span and it should be fairly easy to offer something in place of the thing they can’t have or the activity they can’t do. Distraction could be as simple as a change of environment.
How to act when your child has a tantrum
Tantrums can be extremely distressing for both you and your child. It’s often difficult to keep your cool especially if you’re out and about in public.
However your reaction to your child and your behaviour can really help to diffuse the situation and help them learn to deal with their emotions.
- Try to remain as calm as possible. Speak slowly and clearly to your child and encourage them to take deep breaths to calm themselves down.
- Assess for any dangers. If you are next to a road or in a busy area, you need to move your child and you to a position of safety. If they are hurting you, themselves or other children you also need to address this immediately before dealing with the tantrum itself.
- Judge the tantrum and what needs to be done. Sometimes a tantrum will be when your child is overtired and excitable and simply needs to be calmed down and put to bed. If your child is having a tantrum because they want to play with a forbidden toy or they want to do something that they can’t, you might want to try distracting them with a different activity or starting up a conversation.
- Consider ignoring it. Sometimes tantrums happen purely because a child wants attention from their parents. If this is the case and the reason for the tantrum is trivial, stay calm and try to move on rather than discussing it or disciplining your child. You may want to assess afterwards whether your child does require more positive attention and whether there are perhaps small moments during the day when you can offer this to them to prevent further similar tantrums occurring.
What to do after a tantrum
If the tantrum was significant, speak to your child about it. Ask them how they felt and praise them for having calmed down. You could say something like “I’m really proud of you for calming down, I hope you feel better now”.
Offer your child reassurance, love and security. Give them a hug and tell them that you love them. Many children can feel upset and teary after a tantrum and may be especially needy.
Assess whether your child is sleeping and eating well. Consider putting them to bed slightly earlier or increasing the amount of healthy food they’re eating. These can help to keep factors such as tiredness and hunger from worsening tantrums.
Tantrums are an extremely natural and inevitable part of child development. Whilst they can be stressful at the time, parents should not generally feel guilty or responsible for their child’s tantrums as it is simply their way of expressing their frustration.
Taking steps to prevent tantrums from happening in the first place is helpful to both caregiver and child. Don’t worry if tantrums still occur though – the best thing you can do is to keep calm and deal with them in a rational and reassuring way.
